ONE 9 • Legal Notices: This is Not a Circular

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STATEMENT OF ACCOUNT
In response to the ‘Digital Economy Bill’ announced by the UK Government on the 20th Nov, 2009.

INVOICE

 

For Trademark infringements. Nov-Dec

 

Account Name: Mark Harding

 

 

Section 1: Mobile Phone activity
TEXT MESSAGES
19-Dec. The word PINK™ (upper case) is a trademark of Owens-Corning™. Infringement penalty: 1 use @ £0.34
21-Dec. The phrase ‘Happy Birthday’™ is a trademark of Fufeng Toy Plant, China. Infringement penalty: 1 use @ £0.34

 

RINGTONE
22-Dec. Ringtone trial use. The first six bars of Bach’s ‘Air on a G-string’ is a registered trademark of JR Freeman and Son, Cigars. Infringement penalty: 1 use @ £0.50

 

Section 2: Colour usage.
For website w.harding_family_holidays.miplace.com
The colour Magenta is a trademark of T-Mobile™. Infringement penalty: 37.45 hours usage @ £0.203 per hour
The colour Purple is a trademark of Cadbury™. Infringement penalty: 7.55 hours usage @ £0.203
The colour Orange is a trademark of Orange™. Infringement penalty: 0.35 hours usage @ £0.203
The colour International Klein Blue™ (IKB™) is a trademark of the estate of Yves Klein. Infringement penalty: 0.05 hours usage @ £0.109
The colour Jay-Z Blue™ is a trademark of Jay-Z. Infringement penalty: 0.03 hours usage @ £0.304

 

Section 3: Online shopping activity
The word orange™ is a trademark of Orange™ Infringement penalty: 4 * oranges @£0.102 each

 

Section 4: Email correspondence
03-Dec. Trademark infringements in an email to Rt Hon M Grubbins M.P
The phrase ‘freedom of expression’™ is a trademark of Kembrew McLeod. Infringement penalty: 1 use @ £0.80
The verb ‘to google’™ is a trademark of Google™. Infringement penalty: 1 use @ £0.20
The word ‘stealth’™ is a trademark of Leo Stoller. Infringement penalty: 1 use @ £0.50
The word ‘monster’™ is a trademark of Monster Cables™. Infringement penalty: 1 use @ £0.40
The phrase ‘Let there be light’™ is a trademark of SAP Business Objects™. Infringement penalty: 1 use @ £0.70
The word ‘air’™ is a trademark of Air™. Infringement penalty: 1 use @ £1.20

 

LEGAL NOTICES
Image reproduction usage:
The ‘holiday snaps’ section of the website contains a digital image of Pittenweem seafront. The panorama contains an image of a Ford™ motorcar.

 

Cease and Desist notification.
Images of Ford™ motorcars are trademarks of Ford™. You are required to take down any digital images containing Ford™ trademarks and to cease and desist from future infringement. Failure to comply will make you liable to legal prosecution, or the issuance of penalties for infringement by those approved bodies as defined by the Digital Economy Act 2010.

 

Notice of Discontinuation of Internet Service
Your Internet Service Provider has reported possible unauthorised use of a ‘method of providing episodic media’ (also know as ‘podcasting’) process, which is patent protected by Volomedia™.

 

As this is possibly the third infringement of holder rights, Rightsprotect Inc, as authorised under the powers of the Digital Economy Act 2010, has discontinued your internet account with immediate effect for an unspecified period.

 

TOTAL PENALTIES
Total value of penalties owed to Rightsprotect Inc is £14.51. Payment can be made via . Payment by non-electronic means (postal order, cheque etc) will be subject to an additional handling charge of £27.99 per transaction.

 

NEWS FROM RIGHTSPROTECT.INC
We hope our new billing layout enhances your customer satisfaction. Our aim is customer delight. Correspondence by email only: to enq@rightsprotectinc.com.
Merry Xmas!

 

Author’s notes: All the trademark and copyright claims in this story are genuine (except ‘air’, which as far as I know is a joke I added). Most of them have been legally upheld, while some are in dispute.

 

The amusingly named ‘Digital Economy Bill’ scheduled for the UK Parliament during 2009/2010 includes the power for the Secretary of State to extend right holder privileges and add penalties for digital rights infringements without parliamentary approval. The bill includes powers to appoint private enterprise digital rights enforcement bodies (similar to wheel clamping outfits). Internet disconnection can be carried out without the oversight of court process or test of evidence. It is unclear how far the abandonment of test of evidence will be extended to other digital rights infringements over time.

 

Mark Harding lives and writes in Edinburgh and has had several stories published in print and online.