ONE blogs – MARTIN BELK – film review: ‘NINE’ — “I should have IDIOT tattooed across my forehead”

Yes, yes you should, along with all the filmmakers involved in this project. Along with me for paying to sit through this nonsense. Daniel Day Lewis as an Italian? Please. Somehow tieing this into Fellini? A travesty. With this, and the goose-choking release of ‘Avatar’, I have a lingering question: with all the money, pr machines and resources in the world, how come Hollywood can’t eek out a good fart, much less a film?

The best part: everyone I went with got naps during the songs. Long songs. Longer songs than a Tim Burton film. Songs with lyrics that could have been written, er, probably were written by a third grade music student. Songs with the name ‘Gweeedo’ repeated over and over, and inspired rhymes between ‘black and white’ and ‘play of light’. Ray of light? Not in this nursery school. And, I just love how Kate Hudson reminds me of chickens croaking before slaughter.

The worst part: The last remnants of an era that produced real talent were rolled out to try and glue together NINE’s house of cards. Sophia Loren shot like a wax statue held up by a butt pole. Judi Dench, the only cast member that appeared to have a pulse, left to whittle the soul she brings to the screen before a clumsy, chiche Lewis. And why roll out that Kidman-clutz a-gain? Answer: Someone wanted to be just like Moulin Rouge. Heaven forbid. Fergi ate the stage and seemed in her element, with a good showtune and robust dance performance. Repeat after me: t-h-u-n-d-e-r-p-u-s-s-y.

The thing that gets me, is that this movie has me agreeing with, *choke* Howard Stern. Back in the day, he accused ‘Beavis & Butthead’ as being racist. “If you colored those characters as black kids, or made their faces look ethnic, there’d be riots in the streets.” NINE makes me think the same about the presentation of Italians. Stereotype after stereotype rolls across the screen in leather shoes and tacky sports cars, greasey hair waving in the wind – all of which was done better in the 60’s anyway.

I once heard Camille Paglia argue that Italians should never have given up their ethnicity in America. NINE sells it to the highest bidder. Step up, Ms. P…

Art is happening, but not in Hollywood. When oh when will this era of saccharine end? I had high hopes for this recession. Rent ‘Sweet Charity’, stay home where it’s warm, and see how it’s really done.